Furs For Christ

Need opinions please.
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Author:  Ohyoupokedme [ Tue May 13, 2014 12:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Need opinions please.

I'm doing a project in AM lit on poetry. I wrote a sonnet earlier, but this time I had to write a song lyrics based on the beat of another song.
This song I wrote as a description of my recent depression. I had a whole week where I just felt like... excuse my French... shit. At one point, I thought about dying for a while, but I knew it was wrong. I'm not dealing with it now, but I think people don't really understand what it's like to deal with the low lows of depression. I also still deal with loneliness and social anxiety, and this song is about that as well. Anyway, here it is. GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS, PWEEZ!

Just a Stranger Based on Twenty One Pilots, “Trapdoor”

I wake up internally in pain,

No will to move for tomorrows gain,

I break the backs of my life,

And now my redemption seems slashed by a knife,

Through my eyes, I have seen so many things,

In the pool of our minds, we’re drowned inside.

Take it away, kill all the evil inside.

Everyone come here and say your hello,

to all those friends who just come and then go.

I don’t want to be near you anymore,

You’ll just fall like all the other ones before!

All this frustration is inside,

there’s nothing you can fix, it’s something I must hide.

It’s pointless to rid me of life,

I’ll just suffer the pain like the next one in line.

Through my eyes, I have seen so many things,

In the pool of our minds, we’re drowned inside.

Take me away, kill off this shame of a life.

Everyone come here to say your hello,

to all those friends who just come and then go.

I don’t want to be in here anymore,

I’ll just fall like all the other ones before!

Take it all! Give me a reason for this life!

This is something that I must control,

something to fight off yet something to hold,

what are you doing, these are just words from my mouth,

there’s no reason to listen, just forget them right now.

I’m just a stranger in this life.

Author:  Ian [ Tue May 13, 2014 2:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Need opinions please.

That was great!

Author:  Ohyoupokedme [ Thu May 15, 2014 11:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Need opinions please.

I wrote another song off the top of my head. Not based on anything, this is completely original:

The Great Deceiver

Like the lion, he is passionate with pride,
like the mouse, he has no strength inside,
when a great deciever puts on his show,
he only shows what the crowd wants to know,
what does the crowd want to know?

What the crowd wants, they want happiness inside,
someone to hide what rests beyond the lie.
A great deceiver prepares his supplies,
he is ready to blind the truth with all of his lies.
All his lies.

He throws on the mask to hide his face,
he sets the stage in an ideal place,
waits for his fans to witness his grace,
then leaves them behind without a trace,

He traps their minds with all his lies,
drowning their intellect with his crimes,
there's no way to know that he has tried
to condemn us to an evening of dirty bribes.

They ask, “what’s behind that mask he wears”
he says, “if I show you, it isn’t really fair.
Just go along with the show.
It’s nothing you really need to know.”


Often times, if find myself in line
of the deceiver's show, I take out my own rhymes.
I pay with my faith and I listen with my eyes,
I hear his rhymes, and they sound fine.

I think to myself “what was I before?
I can’t remember what it was that I believed in before!
What was I missing that I wasn’t informed?
Is the deceiver right, is my heart deformed?”

No, I refuse to think that my heart is wrong,
my heart know the difference between right and wrong,
so here I am telling you,
think for yourself, it’s what you should do.


Today went as well as he thought today,
they all took the bait like easy prey,
open minds are just fine to him,
it makes it easier for him to find crim-
-some lies to sell you out of life.

He finds, binds, and ties all your feelings,
you’re nothing inside.
Your belief is a lie, he says to your mind,
the great deceiver and his silver tongue defies
everything you find in your song and rhymes.

He takes your song and makes his own,
and in this sense, your mind is his tone.
There's nothing you can do, you think to yourself,
but I tell you, you can believe in yourself.
Your heart is always right, your mind is often wrong,
your mind can be deceived and enslaved by a song,
your mind is like clay, only molded by what you want.
So your heart is always right, and your mind is often wrong.

Will you listen to me, or am I just a deceiver,
waiting for you to stumble like a long lost believer?
I’ve seen your fevers, the skivers, and the hidden deceivers,
heck, I’ve seen with my own eyes, The Great Deceiver.
The enemy is here, there, and everywhere.
Just try to find the light, it could be anywhere,
but don’t be surprised that it’s in your heart,
it’s where your morality is stored, in life’s cart.

So I state one last time with one last rhyme,
your mind is often wrong,
and your heart is always right.


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