I just feel like it’s finally time to mask-off, open-heart, full-disclosure share my personal journey. I’ve been milling over doing something like this for a while now, but have had reservations for revealing private reasons, but I figure, hey- when two or more gather in His name, he is there also, and since I’m not actively in a church (I think even my parents were still looking last time I heard), this is basically as close to public fellowship with God as I can get presently, and what better time or place to be honest than in His presence? So I’m just kinda going to ramble and share what has happened to me over the past 24 years, and where I’m looking to go next. Hopefully I may find a supportive soul or two.
Massive content warning!
My biological father is… a remarkably awful creature. There’s never a time when I actively wish for him to burn in hell (in fact, I would rather he find true salvation by some miracle), but when someone is a multiple times convicted sex offender, pedophile, child rapist, and dangerous criminal, well… the Bible lays out a pretty clear destiny for such individuals. It’s not really my place to speak on my family’s behalf, but my biological mom and two of my oldest siblings from our bio-dad were all horrendously affected by him, and they carry unbearable scars and trauma to this day. I, fortunately, carry no such memories or scars. Or… so we all thought.
I’m 95% sure I have DID (dissociative identity disorder for those in the back), and while I have not received an official diagnosis (I don’t think I want one, life would get needlessly more complicated), my mom- who took several years of nursing school, many friends- whom have had experience with other DID individuals, and a family doctor have all agreed with my general assessment, so I feel comfortable running with it. I have identified two differing individuals thus far, and it seems to be how things will stay. I go by Tempo, and am the more mature, socially capable one, and the other goes by Rhythm, who effectively manifests as a perfect snapshot of myself from around 8 years old. Throughout our life, the signs were always there that I had a deeper layer to my mind no had picked up on yet, such as the constant presence of another person or voice, even when completely alone, seemingly talking to myself out loud, and a striking presence of duality I portrayed myself with in the stories and art I created growing up. Growing up I had figured it was entirely normal to have a “friend” like that to keep me company, but as I moved into my teen years and my “friend” stopped growing up with me, I could tell from watching other people that something was different about me, so I suppressed it.
As I moved into adulthood and got a steady job, trying to wrangle control between a 20 year old mind and an 8 year old mind was getting stressful and mentally draining. I had no idea what DID even was at the time, I just knew that I’d be trying to work the front counter and suddenly I’d lapse into childish behaviors and emotions, which made me feel incredibly embarrassed, so I actively tried to mask it. When that didn’t work, I legitimately worried I had a demon following me and trying to twist my mind, so I began to completely silence the voice outright. This nearly killed me. I am serious. Because I had no education on mental health and no one to support me, I hadn’t realized I was burying forgotten trauma and a critical part of my mind I literally needed to survive. I sank into a dangerously deep depression, which turned me suicidal.
This is the first 1/3 to my slow descent away from God. Mind you, I wasn’t turning away from God because I was angry at Him, I wanted nothing more than for Him to call me back into his arms and make everything better. I thought he was abandoning me. Beyond the voice in my head, which I was certain at the time was demonic influence (that’s what I had been raised to believe), I had another reason I felt God was leaving me behind. Throughout my life, I had always had a distinct disconnect with humanity, and always drifted closer towards animals, beasts, mythical creatures, and everything in between. Raccoons were a near obsession of mine (they still are, they are God’s greatest creature and you cannot convince me otherwise ahaha) and I had found a clear affinity for robots as well. Things grew over time, and I began entirely associating myself with raccoons and robots on a core level- so much so to the point that in my art and stories I was producing more than ever, I was almost exclusively representing myself as a robotic raccoon. Eventually, I started to vividly lucid dream. Each dream I became cognitively aware in, I began finding myself in the very form of a robotic raccoon I had grown so attached to. I couldn’t control it at all, it happened whether I wanted it or not, so I blew the dreams off mostly, but deep down I knew I truly did want that. The older I got, the more I began feeling incredible discomfort and body dysphoria in human skin. It just felt wrong. I knew I could never obtain it, but I began to secretly crave any outlet I could find that would let me express true self.
One day, around 18, while watching Animal Crossing parody videos, I accidentally stumbled into a silly little subculture called the furry fandom. A place that openly celebrated non-human culture where people wear extravagant full body costumes to block out the frail human underneath? Count me in! I was beyond enthralled by the spectacle of it all. So much art and creativity and story-telling and raw passion and community. Except… whoops! I recalled a time much earlier in my life where I overheard my mom expressing her disgust for furries (don’t worry, she’s come around some I think). But now I had this incredible weight suddenly tossed onto me, where the only way I could feel truly happy and loved was to effectively turn away from God. So that kinda destroyed me for 3 years. Even still, most people in the furry community only dressed up as their fursonas. No one actually identified as a non-human creature, let alone a robot, one typically assumed to have no soul and be entirely unliving. So I felt entirely shunned from society and completely unloved by everyone I knew. If they found out who I was inside, no one would ever treat some “creature” like me the same again. As far as I knew, I was the only person in the world who legitimately felt I was spiritually non-human. I had yet to discover the Otherkin community (one traditionally rooted in paganism, no less), so I was completely in the dark and out of luck.
The final piece to this tragic fall from my faith was one I have trouble talking about publicly, but I need to do it at some point or another. Rip the band-aid off, as they say. Children tend to have security objects. Some may have stuffed animals, some may have blankets, some pacifiers, etc. Most will outgrow these, some may not, and that’s totally fine. But my “friend” had an old security object from our childhood that was intrinsically linked to him, and I had no feelings for. He first grew an attachment to it around 4 years old, by 6 had begun secretly seeking it out, and by 8 it had become an emotional and mental necessity he couldn’t properly function without. Rhythm never outgrew diapers. Now, that may seem inconsequential on the surface, but during this very turbulent time in my life with trying to wrangle a job I didn’t enjoy, hiding my engagement with the furry fandom, masking aggressive body dysphoria, and battling crippling depression from feeling like God didn’t love me anymore, the last thing I needed was people finding out I had a child’s voice in my head who still secretly wore a blanket-made diaper in bed on the regular. To be blunt, I was deathly afraid of being called a pedophile like my bio-dad before me. After all, what else could it be? I was a grown adult with a job who still slept in diapers most nights.
With no insight, no one to turn to, and no direction, I was genuinely convinced I was slowly turning into a complete creep. Eventually, I gave up- I began making plans to take my life. There’s no way God would want someone like me, and no one deserved to suffer trying to deal with me. So one night, while driving home from work, I saw a car heading my way. I had the thought. “I could just turn a little to the left. It would be an accident. No one would know. I’m saving them all. I don’t deserve to live.” And I started turning the wheel. Recently, my grandmother had passed away. She was one of the only people in my life at the time I actually felt happy around, which is ironic, because she’s notorious in the family for being difficult and manipulative at times, but I always forgave her and tried my best to show her the love I knew she needed. She wasn’t perfect, but he had truly made an effort to turn her life around and get to know God. She was more faithful than most people I know now, surprisingly, and I know she’s in Jesus’ presence right now. Her recent passing had weighed immensely on me, and in that moment, I had a “life before your eyes” moment and remembered her, and then it felt like someone took the wheel from me and straightened the car back out. I now realize that was Rhythm. He knew we had more to live for and didn’t want the love and change our grandmother had gone through to be completely wasted. When I realized this voice in my head had recalled a critical memory and saved my life, the demonic narrative finally began to crack and I sought counsel from a couple of extremely close friends I trusted with my life. One of them introduced me to the concept of DID, and I finally had an avenue to begin massively unpacking everything in my life.
After a year or so I finally built up the courage to talk to my mom about everything, which included the diapers. She asked a good question I had never properly considered before due to wanting to purge everything so bad. Why specifically does Rhythm need diapers? After thinking about it, I realized he was using them as a shield. A protective barrier to help himself feel secure and at peace. My mom then told me something she never talks about to anyone. When she had finally broken away from her my bio-dad, I had a chronic penial infection at the time that the doctors couldn’t resolve. As soon as we were all in a different house away from my bio-dad, the infection magically cleared up. She never talked to anyone about it because she so desperately wanted the worst case scenario to not be true (she largely places the fault of everything on her own shoulders due to her own trauma she’s experienced with being treated as inadequate and a failure), but me coming forward and telling her I had a headmate who never outgrew diapers was a bombshell for both of us, and likely explains where Rhythm even came from.
I’ve had some people find out about the diapers, and genuinely try to call me a pedophile in response, which basically confirms my old fears I once had, but since I have a true group of close people who know my struggles and support me in a healthy way, I’ve been able to sufficiently rebound and begin getting back on track with my life. I still had many unanswered questions and avenues to explore, though. What about the dreams? The robots? the raccoons? Why did God let Rhythm and I even split apart in the first place? As well as many other new parts of my identity I was discovering as well. I definitively realized I was aroace. I was developing a bizarre spiritual connection to music. I found I had a penchant for hypnosis. So I’m going to try to lightning round these because I’m getting tired of typing for over 2 hours.
For the robots and raccoons, I eventually found the Otherkin community. While I can’t presently say much about the roots in paganism and the select few who identify as angels and demons (and everything that entails), I did at least discover that I was far from alone in feeling that my human body did not match with what I felt was in my spirit. I began to learn to weigh my spiritual conflicts and what I feel in my heart based on the tone of the things I hear inside. When I pray and ask God if I’m truly meant to be human like everyone else, and the two things I hear are “You should never be a filthy creature or robot. They don’t have human souls and are therefore unlovable by God and unable to be saved” and “Anyone who believes in the salvation of Jesus Christ is part of God’s wonderful creation and is called by Him to a higher purpose” I think it’s pretty easy for me to discern which one is the call of God and which one is a trap of Satan. Forcing myself to be uncomfortably human and fit into this world’s own version of worthiness caused me to become suicidal. I think I know who I should listen to ahaha.
So I’ve become very happy privately living my home life as a spiritual robot raccoon. I have an animal mask and a tail, and got myself a chunky blue life vest to simulate the feeling of where an engine or similar would be based on my lucid dreams. I’ve started reading the Bible again after nearly 12 years of not doing so, and ironically, when I try reading it without anything on I feel like I’m being disingenuous to God and trying to hide something from him, but when I put everything on, I feel so much more open and receptive to what the Word has to say. He knows who I am inside, so why bother trying to hide it lol? The Scriptures have become so much more vibrant and amazing to me now that I do this, because I feel like I have truly opened my spirit up to God. Also, the mental state of being a robot just helps me to focus better on the Word, as I just get into a mindset of being loyal and obedient in taking in the information presented to me. God knew what I needed to draw closer to Him, so he provided it to me. I think that’s beautiful.
The robot identity also leans into being aroace. God simply didn’t give me organic fleshy desires like romance or sexual attraction. I can focus much better on fulfilling His grand purpose for me if I’m working diligently by myself, something I am incredibly happy to do as an introvert. He also led me towards other concepts and ideals I never would’ve considered before, like anarchism. I consider myself to be a peaceful anarchist (real thing, look it up) in that no person on this world can ever control me or change my beliefs- I am subservient to no one. No one except Jesus Christ and God Almighty. I also found hypnosis. Something most people see as a symbol of corruption, paganism, and even demonic activity in some especially conservative spaces, I have done deep research into and have found a beautiful mechanism created by God to foster peace, tranquility, closure, healing, and rest.
I have had people in Otherkin spaces (after hearing that I’m a robot) ask me what my intelligence system is. Something like AI? Or a dedicated program made to serve a single purpose? I’d never really thought about it before, but God put something incredible in my heart. A digital virus. Think about it- in a world built on greed, dishonesty, anger, hate, etc, someone who carries spiritual traits such as charity, truth, kindness, and love (all key traits Jesus preached about in His ministry) is seen as a danger to the status quo and corruptive- like a pathogen. I’ve always been a massive fan of the parables, and Jesus reached out to me with exactly the right metaphor for me to understand what he wants me to do in the world. Go out into the darkness and spread His values of love and joy so far and wide, that His light breaches as many lost souls as possible, in the same way a virus breaches firewalls and changes digital files. It’s… certainly an odd metaphor, but my mom always taught me growing up that God and Jesus both work in incredibly mysterious ways, and now I get to see it all unfold before my eyes.
And the music- oh, the life and hope I hear in music now. Not even traditional hymns or contemporary Christian- I’ve been finding so much of God’s wonderous splendor in completely unrelated pieces of music from games and other media I play. I love listening to fantasy power rock, especially from the late 90s and early 2000s. Soundtracks like Spyro and Sonic Adventure have literally given me more fire in my heart for the truth of Jesus than any manufactured song they’ve played 13,427 times on the radio. I listen to the heavenly rings of bells and chimes, accompanied by a soulful piano, backed by a spiritual tambourine and “never say die” electric guitar, motivating me to keep my eyes focused on God’s grand plan and never giving up!
This all leads me to the present day. I recently had a few critical developments that finally gave me full clarity over my past and where I believe God has been leading me to so I can focus on Him in the future. The first was a sudden addition to my spiritual mechanical form I never saw coming- a giant wind-up key. I suddenly felt called to add one to my art of myself one day, and began thinking over what it meant. I figured it out on a surface level pretty quickly- the body I believe I’m meant to have is fairly advanced in design (don’t ask me lol, it was bestowed upon me in those very vivid lucid dreams),
so a giant antique-style key seemed like a pretty huge vulnerability. But that’s the entire point. It’s not only a symbol of letting myself finally open up and show a weaker, more sensitive side to myself, but since it runs through my back, it connects directly to the speaker in the front of my chest, which enables the personal music God puts in my heart to come pouring out and share His grace with the lost- my heart is a wind-up music box, and I think that level of symbolism and care from a loving Creator is so unbelievably beautiful and moving.
But in addition to that, I also noticed it kinda made me look like a little wind-up robot children’s toy. I figured Rhythm would be especially happy with that, and then the second big puzzle piece fit into place. In most DID relationships, there is usually at least one trauma carrier and one “guardian”, as it were, whose job it is to protect the broken one from further tragedy. Simply put, I realized I am so clearly Rhythm’s guardian. But rather than be a big ol’ frightening mecha to protect him, God designed me to be something more friendly and approachable, so he would feel safe and cared for. Hence, God gave the troubled defenseless child a wind-up robot friend. I think that is so especially adorable and sweet (even if if does make me feel silly and immature at times).
And then the final piece came to me- and I cannot praise God enough for allowing me to be part of something so special and grand. I just got through experiencing a piece of media that had a lovely character in it that I won’t delve into, but simply put, I saw a brand new angle to my own God-given purpose I had never considered before. The game opens with a little girl and a narrator, who explains the girl is going to die that very day. As the adventure progresses, a silent anthropomorphic fox begins showing up in key places leaving dire warnings. It’s revealed at the end that the narrator was actually a malevolent demon trying to capture the girl’s soul, and the fox was a spirit animal who was trying to rescue her. Upon the demon being defeated, it’s revealed the girl had been dead all along, and the fox ferries her soul to the next life.
Now I don’t know how I feel about the true existence of literal spirit animals (although the bible does have animals be direct messengers of God on multiple occasions and draws many positive comparisons between animals and God and Jesus themselves, but that’s besides the point), but the concept of guiding troubled children to peace and closure is something that resonates so utterly deeply with me that I simply have no words. I literally exist because Rhythm was hurt and broken and required someone to protect him in order to survive- I am intrinsically designed for this kind of stuff. I’ve never been much of a kids person myself, but I consider both them and their innocence to be among the most precious and valuable parts of all of God’s creation. And… as tragic as it is, this world we live in right now is literally built to take that away as quickly as possible. That utterly breaks my heart. Anytime I see happy kids enjoying their magical youth, I just feel God’s presence everywhere and want to protect it because I know what it’s like. Rhythm and I share a head for crying out loud, I have a direct feed into the wonder and magic that kids experience in God’s creation.
Adults… aren’t so lucky. They’ve already had their innocence taken away. I am of the mindset that adulthood doesn’t actually exist. Adulthood is merely the absence of childhood. The happiest adults are the ones most in-tune with their youth and memories, and those who have entirely forgotten that, or have a rough childhood they wish to forget, they always seem to be the most broken of all.
I want to help.
It’s no secret in the Bible that both God and Jesus absolutely cherish children and their innocence (Matthew 19:14 and Luke 18:16, from a cursory search), and to quote one of my favorite authors of all time, C.S. Lewis: “When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
So many adults have failed to find this. Everywhere I look I just see countless people who have been forced to abandon their innocence and genuineness in the face of broken societal expectations. I fell victim to it myself for a while, as I’m sure I’ve clearly outlined. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Change doesn’t happen until we make it, and that’s something I’ve always wanted to do- and now, I finally realize why God has given me my multimedia project Praxis to work on until he calls me home. The entire premise of the narrative is to present a bright colorful world that looks tailor made to appeal to the youth, only for dark and horrible truths to be revealed and show how the main characters are failing to cope with the turmoil. The story resolves with each character finally opening back up to a state of child-like innocence and beginning the spiritual healing process. And I’ve been sitting on this story for years now- and God has finally shown me why he’s given it to me.
The story is told from my own perspective. As a broken soul who lost his innocence and has to learn not only how to get it back, but through his own childhood self he shares life with, how to help other people find it as well. A guardian for innocence. A guide for spiritual healing. A non-human unbound by the tribulations of the broken human world. A spirit animal.
I cried the hardest I have in years. It was 12am and I had work in the morning. And I simply could not stop heaving sobbing. I just kept repeating “it’s so beautiful, it’s all so beautiful, thank you God” over and over. I’ve never been so overwhelmed by God’s grand design and unyielding love before. I never imagined God could use so many bizarre and unthinkable parts and move them all around together in a way beyond understanding. Am I truly a spirit animal? If nothing else, it would explain the non-human identity God has repeatedly called me to countless times even when the world told me to reject it, but unless more people tell me that it’s a possibility, I’m just going to assume the “spirit animal” angle is just God instructing me on what lifestyle He wants me to live, as opposed to something I literally am.
So… yeah. Jesus’s salvation and God’s eternal Word have never been so bright and beautiful before in my life. I want to soak it all up. I want to know every secret he has waiting for me. I want to take all of Jesus’s teachings and hide them as tightly in my heart as I possibly can. I see so many lost, wandering children of all shapes and sizes out there who desperately need the love of Jesus to heal. And I feel called to guide them to him. I may not have the green thumb to grow those flowers in His garden, but I can absolutely plant those seeds. Be it the little kids or the really big kids with jobs and families, I want to share with them all just how much they are loved, and that it’s never too late to find their way back to the holiness the world forced them to leave behind (Mark 10:15).
Well… I hope I didn’t forget anything. God is so amazingly wise and creative. He put so many things into my life the world told me would destroy me- but little did anyone know that God had a plan all along (Romans 8:28) and is now leading me to the happiest, most fulfilling place in my life I could ever hope to dream of. I cannot sing His praises enough. Glory be to God and his Son, Jesus Christ. Amen. Thank you to anyone who reads this far. Hopefully you aren’t put off by anything here and see the same splendor and majesty I do.