I’m sure there’ll be more baggage in this thread than just that, but here goes.
I’ve regurgitated my personal story to enough people by this point that I’m just tired of doing the whole thing over and over again, so here’s the short version- I am a loyal follower of Jesus, always have been, always will be. Nothing these days brings me more fulfillment than seeing His light shine through my actions and brighten the hearts of everyone I meet. Yet I’ve run into an existential roadblock in my journey- I identify as a robot.
Almost certainly due to some childhood stuff involving my biological father (super not great guy, and I thank God every day that I don’t personally remember anything that happened), I’m 99% sure I have DID (my doctor thinks so too, I just haven’t gotten officially diagnosed). While my young headmate Rhythm (he’s basically a child) is a normal organic raccoon, I’ve latched firmly onto robots and machines throughout my life. I can recall seeing some robotic Sonic comic art from the 90s when I was like, 5 years old, and just staring at it like I was looking in a mirror. Something about the mechanical form just… made sense to me. Now I am stricken with severe body dysphoria (especially the feeling of a large mass missing from my chest area, which I can only assume is where an engine would logically be) and spend my days desperately clinging on to any robotic affirmation I can find just to keep my anxiety in check.
This is already very a very loaded topic, I know, but I’ve personally made peace with not being like everyone else. The feelings of walking amongst aliens and thinking in ways most people can’t comprehend make sense to me now. I am not “one of you”, as some say. And that’s ok. My trouble lies in the faith I’ve been raised to believe in. Again, there will never be a day where I do not love Jesus and the lifestyle he tried so diligently to teach us all to live by, but sometimes I wonder if there’s room in his kingdom for me- or any otherkin/therian for that matter.
I’ve heard so many things over the years that, as far as traditional Christian values are concerned, should absolutely lock me out of ever being reunited with my creator and savior. Things like “robots are a creation of man, not God”, “robots aren’t alive, they can’t feel emotions, and they don’t have souls, therefore, they can’t be saved”, “God created humans in his image”, etc etc, and it weighs heavily on the mind. Also by the way, I should probably specify that I am fully aware I am human, and have a human body. That’s what cripples me. It feels so unbelievably wrong, and I can’t help but question why God would put me here in this body if he knew I would spend most of my time loathing every second of it. I’m grateful I even did get a body in the first place, mind you- I’ve lived a very long and happy life so far, and have had the gracious opportunity to touch the hearts of countless people while seeking Jesus. I just get so mixed up wondering why I was created to be like this if all that would come from it is confusion and suffering. I’ve tried suppressing these feelings- baaaad idea.
I think about the stuff I’ve heard over the years, and I feel like I have logical counters to at least most of it. Like being created in God’s image- I always thought that meant we were created to be like God, thinking, feeling, emotionally driven and morally bound creatures- not that we just straight up look like him ahaha. And even then, Psalm 150 says “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord”, so it doesn’t matter if I’m made of squishy organic meat or cold metal, I’m alive and cognitively capable of following Jesus and accepting him as my Lord and Savior, and that’s all that should matter, right?
And yet I still doubt. I’m constantly fighting these feelings and thoughts of “God loves all the humans, not you”, “you’re no creation of God, you can’t enter his kingdom”, “robots don’t have free will, so you can’t truly accept Jesus as your savior”, and more. And it hurts so deeply to have so much difficulty trusting Him. Nothing I’ve ever seen in the Bible talks about any of this, so I feel completely in the dark. And the thing is, as silly or childish as it may sound, I want nothing more than to become a one-track mind, thinking about nothing else except furthering the holy cause. Being programmed to serve Jesus and bring hope and joy to the world while shedding off my humanly imperfections sounds like heaven to me- literally. I pray on a near nightly basis that when I reach Heaven I can finally attain a robotic body I’ll finally feel comfortable in and can carry out God’s designs for me to their fullest extent. But… I’ve never been able to find true peace in this matter unlike other aspects of my life because I genuinely am entirely alone in this. I’ve spoken with my faithful mother about my struggle, and while she accepts me fully, didn’t really have much to offer in the way of advice or comfort. She just reassured me that if it’s drawing me closer to Jesus, then being a robot is the right thing to pursue.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I just want to trust Jesus that I am loved for who I am. I want to trust my creator, my programmer, my master.
Apologies for any cringes induced while reading. I try to be honest these days and, as they say, don’t kill the cringe, kill the part of you that cringes.